


Tabula Rasa

by Serena_Rose



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Angst, Complicated Hellstrop - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Unrequited Love, platonic soul mates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27925732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serena_Rose/pseuds/Serena_Rose
Summary: Is a Bearimy too long to heal a broken friendship? Eleanor needs to know before she start her new existence in the real Good Place.A follow-up to Two Pairs of Glasses and a Bottle of Red (https://herqueensguard.tumblr.com/post/634853325530071040/two-pairs-of-glasses-and-a-bottle-of-red).
Relationships: Chidi Anagonye/Eleanor Shellstrop, Michael (The Good Place) & Eleanor Shellstrop, Michael (The Good Place)/Eleanor Shellstrop
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	Tabula Rasa

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cecret](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecret/gifts).



> This was a kind of cathartic work-through of how Eleanor and Michael's friendship feels really different in Patty, like there was an unspoken distance between them, and this was an attempt to understand that and if they can work through what happened to cause them to part ways. Credit to Cecret for Eleanor's dialogue in the flashback sequence, she wrote and proposed that as a possible 'alternate ending' to Two Pairs of Glasses and a Glass of Wine, and then gave me permission to use it for a follow-up, so this is also to help fix the angst of that as well.

Her fist clenches in front of the glittering emerald surface.

_Damn it, Eleanor, you’ve been standing here for ten minutes! Have you forgotten how to knock?_

To be fair, it’s not something she’s ever really been used to. Surely doors were designed to be opened or what was the point. If someone didn’t want you barging in and using doors as their designed function then they should either have locked or barricaded it. Ugh, now she’s starting to sound like Mindy; _“If you didn’t wanna be filmed having sex, you should have checked for my hidden cameras first!”_

And once there had been a time where the very idea of not feeling welcome to see him was unthinkable. But that was a very, _very_ long time ago now. Over a Bearimy, so Janet had said, but it was hardly as if they had been keeping track of dates. All Eleanor knew was that it had felt like a lifetime. More than long enough.

_Are you going to drag it out for another Bearimy before you knock?_

No.

God…no.

Eleanor taps her knuckles against the surface, channelling her intended destination into the magic door, doing her best to block out any distracting thoughts so she doesn’t accidentally stumble in on a showering Steve Austin. Again (Its fine, he was cool with it).

There’s a brief pause of anticipation. After all, people were free to deny an invitation to anyone that, forever reason, they weren’t happy on visiting them whenever they wished.

Given everything that had happened between them, Eleanor wasn’t going to be surprised if-

“Come in!”

Oh-kay then. Not knowing if she feels relived or more terrified, she turns the handle.

_Here we go._

She walks in and feels as if she’s slipped back in time. More so than her own house had been. There are some very slight differences to the layout of the office to what had resided in her memory (and where she’d visited in her dreams many a time) a softer lighting and a few more exotic plants, but still the same place that had once felt like a second home, especially when she had once spent more time there than her own house which had felt hauntingly empty without Chidi at her side.

Michael looks up from where he’s sat in his chair, immediately giving her a polite, if somewhat held back, smile.

“Hey….”

“Hi.” She says, taking a step in, almost able to feel the heavy tension in the air even without any demony powers on her; “So, uhm…a guitar, huh?” She gestures to the instrument in his lap.

Smooth, Shellstrop. Very smooth.

Michael blushes a little and leans it against the wall.

“It’s part of a project me and Tahani talked about doing once we got here. We both made a list of all the things we want to try to get good while we’re here, without any magic cheating or short-cuts!” He explains, giddy as a kid on their first day of Summer break; “The first thing we both agreed to try was learning to play guitar; her folks only ever let her learn piano and violin , and I’ve always wanted to give it a go so we’re gonna see who masters it first. Now, obviously, superior being here.” Michael waves at himself and chuckles; “It’s hardly gonna be a contest, probably won’t even take me half a Bearimy, but I decided to give her a fair shot.”

Eleanor is a little surprised at how talkative he is. It might be that he’s babbling as a defence mechanism because, c’mon, she can’t be the only one who is nervous as fork here. She just gives a smile back, her hand moving to scratch at her elbow.

He seems to recognise her mood, or read her aura whatever, as his expression shifts. He nods to the chair.

“Oh, feel free to take a seat! I wasn’t expecting you guys to visit so soon.” He says, moving to the side of his desk and sitting on the edge.

_Just like old times…Her favorite desk ornament._

She clears her throat, staying on her feat but leaning her hands on the chair.

“I figured you’d be too busy enjoying your first night in the Good Place, considering how long it took you all to get here.” Michael continues; “Is there anything wrong with your house? I only based the structure on your old house, the inside should be free of clown paintings and Icelandic, pointy furniture, unless I forgot to edit something? Is the shrimp dispenser working?”

Eleanor manages to break a smile; “No complaints, dude. Everything is…as expected, perfect. I just couldn’t sleep, no matter how comfy that bed was and…Damn, I would’ve smashed my way through Bed, Bath and Beyond to get to that mattress if it had been on Earth!”

“Oh, good to know.” He smiles, the tiniest breath of relief escaping; “And Chidi? Is he satisfied?”

“Yeah, I left him snuggled up to that body pillow with all the philosophy quotes stitched in.” She says, fondly; “As long as I don’t come back to find him whispering sweet nothings to it, I’m happy he’s happy.”

Michael matches her smile with a nod.

And then it’s there. The inevitable silence. She bites the inside of her mouth. He looks down at his fingers tapping at his thigh. Wow, did she really come in here without planning an opening line? She’s had more than enough time to prepare a forking script.

“Anything else I can help with?” He asks, quietly, almost formal.

Another crack appears in her heart. Still so eager to please, to make her happy.

“No, dude. You’ve done more than enough for me…for us.” She smiles, “You deserve to enjoy a bit of eternal peace as much as the rest of us. Chillax.”

“I thought that word only applied to Chidi?”

She shakes her head; “Sorry to break it to you, but someone combined ‘chill and relax’ long before your own take on that word, bud.” Amazing that it’s still been so long and no one has informed him of this.

He frowns, a little disappointed.

“Well. I wasn’t expecting to be put in charge of all of Heaven, so that’s a little more pressure than I’d have liked. But, then again, I wasn’t expecting to be here at all. So, could be worse. At least I wasn’t vaporized.” Michael laughs off his concerns again.

Eleanor winces slightly. That had been the moment for her.

Decades of distance and distractions, of telling herself that what happened had happened and all they could do was move on, to focus on the main person in her life and the mission they had. Then, seeing him again, face-to-face, and hearing that bell that heralded the golden balloon…at first it had all felt fine. She’d looked at Michael, at the demon who went from being her closest friend to a stranger, and had felt nothing. Not hatred, not yearning, not resentment, not bitterness, not joy, just…numb ambivalence. The euphoria at being told they were finally headed to the Good Place, not a joke this time, had wrapped her tight in its arms along with Chidi’s holding her tight.

And then Michael had said he was joining them. Well, obviously, that wasn’t a surprise and why would it be. Was it even a question? Even if he hadn’t…it’s not like she had thought about it at all over the years…They’d spent so much time apart that it wouldn’t have been a huge shock if he still needed to stay in the Bad Place or being Gen’s assistant or whatever.

They’d all rode together in that balloon and Eleanor had only looked at the two things that mattered most. The man holding her and the view ahead. Their future.

And then they’d landed and she’d seen it. The fluster in his voice. The sweat on his brow.

It had been Chidi, not her, who asked if he was okay. And Michael had said the words.

_“I don’t belong here.”_

Suddenly, feelings awoke in Eleanor that she thought had starved to death long ago. Poisoned by a stupid argument followed by years of estrangement and regret. Concern stabbed her in the chest and she’d opened her mouth to speak; _What’re you talking about? Of course you belong here, you goober! You’re one of us! You can’t not be here, why would you even-?_ But the words never came, dying in her throat before they could leave her mouth.

He wasn’t her friend to worry about anymore. She’d closed that door a long time ago.

Was it too late to try reopening it now?

“Y’know we wouldn’t have let them vaporize you, right?” She finally says, “I wanted to say that to you when we were in the entrance, after I checked out those passport photos, but then those angels called us over…Did you really think there was a chance those dorks wouldn’t let you join us?”

He takes a moment before nodding, giving a light shrug.

“Well, demons have never been allowed in the Good Place before, no matter what Bible fanfics might’ve told you.” Michael says to her; “We used to be told legends to scare us that if a demon so much as set foot here, we’d be instantly retired or erased from existence.”

“You thought that was a possibility…and you still came with us?” Eleanor asks, gripping the back of the chair a little tighter.

Michael hums; “No harm in trying, right?”

Right. He still remembered their most important lesson. It warms her heart to know he was willing to try to follow them here, to get to enjoy living in paradise, following through with their original Team Cockroach promise, rather than staying beside where she knew he felt he had never felt at home. The place that, even after being reformed and redeemed, most likely still held too many bad memories for the sweetest demon in all of Hell. He was willing to follow through with his dream on escaping that toxic beginning and be with his friends, even if it meant the risk of…

Nightmares of explosions and blue goo splattering on the walls flash, awfully bright and loud, in head for half a second. She nearly topples the chair.

“You okay?”

Eleanor looks up, seeing that his hand is reaching out, brow furrowed with worry.

She thinks of her own hand meeting his. She thinks of rushing forward. She thinks of throwing her arms around him and burying her face in that shirt. She thinks of saying all the things she’d once said to Janet as a recording, intending for her to deliver it to Michael, only to then change her mind and ask her to delete it. Janet had never brought up the subject again, merely handed her another margarita on request. If only she’d got a bit more drunk that night, maybe she’d have found the nerve to send that message.

She thinks…And, once again, she steps back. She plasters on a smile and straightens up.

“Yeah, m’probably just a bit spent. Long day, y’know, making it to Heaven, fixing Heaven, big party and dinner…” Why is this so damn hard?

“Do you want me to give you something to help you sleep?” He asks, “I’ve still got a bit of that weed if you need to relax, trust me, there’s no come down or freak outs with it here!”

She declines the offer for now, but may rethink it later, depending on if this keeps going as terrible as it is.

“No, I just…” She looks to her right, “What’s that?”

For some reason it had completely escaped her notice when she came in that the photo of Doug Forcett was now covered up with a white sheet on the wall.

Michael goes towards it.

“Oh, that’s…That’s nothing! Nothing you need to see yet, just uhm…Something I’m finishing up with redesigning this place.” He chuckles, awkwardly, reaching to smooth out the sheet; “Trust me, if I pull that sheet down it’s nothing but a gaping chasm into an unholy dimension full of…flying pandas that will eat off your face…so don’t touch.”

“Wow…You really can’t lie anymore, can you?” Eleanor folds her arms.

She can read the ‘fork me’ look on his face.

“The one superpower I had without Janet’s help and you guys ruined it for me.” He sighs, heavily; “I was hoping that I’d show all of you tomorrow, but…Here.”

He gives the sheet a tug.

Where Doug’s hallowed portrait once hung are now framed photos of the four of them. His four humans. Herself, Chidi, Jason and Tahani smile serenely, adding a little more light to the room once revealed. Eleanor feels that lump in her throat return, a different taste this time, longing and regret replaced by pure warmth.

“Oh…Wow, bud.” She tries to stop her lip from wobbling.

Her hand hovers up to stroke the frame of her own portrait at the bottom.

“I actually used those snaps you guys took in that passport booth. They lived up to the advertising, huh.” Michael says, hands in his pockets. She can’t hide a sniff which draws him to turn to her; “Don’t you like yours? I can have Janet take another-.”

“No, no, it’s…I guess I’m just surprised…”

“You are?” He asks, “I mean, they say never meet your heroes but Doug was definitely a let down. And even if he hadn’t, I’d wanna have the faces of people I care about with me when I’m working…Isn’t that what humans do? Keep still images of each other in case they forget why they’re doing everything?”

It feels as if every word he’s speaking is intended to be a sledgehammer to the walls she still has up. She needs to step back as she shakes her head.

“No, I’m not surprised about that, I mean…” She sighs, “…I’m surprised I’m included.”

Eleanor looks up at him. Now it’s out there. Still unspoken, clearly, but neither of them can deny the reason she’s there. Michael meets her gaze and takes a breath.

“Why wouldn’t you be?”

She feels ready to laugh.

“Oh…c’mon, man! We’re not gonna do this. We’re not gonna just…pretend that the last Bearimy or whatever of us not talking never happened, right? We’re not even gonna address it?” She asks, feeling the weight on her soul, refusing to budge until it’s out there.

He looks down; “I thought it was working out pretty well…We seemed…okay. Weren’t we?”

Okay? Sure.

They could talk to each other, they could swap ideas and suggestions, fork there was even a bit of light teasing with recalling his crazy midlife crisis, and she’d even tested the waters with a bit of harmless flirting, though maybe her words could have been more tactful, she only realised after they were already out and Michael was turning away with the pink in his ears and his hand reaching for a joint.

_Don’t tell God he can do whatever he wants when you know full well what he wants and can’t have._

But even after that, they had partied, they had even sat together next to each other at dinner, even if his chair was closer to Tahani’s than hers. And it was good. It was fine. But wasn’t _them_. Not like they had once been. The distance between them may have been reduced by miles but it was still very much present. The torture was ongoing.

“I just need to know.” Eleanor lays her cards on the table; “I need to know if…If we are all gonna be here together, forever, or until one of us wants to walk through that door, then I need to know for sure…”

She waits until he’s looking at her again.

“…Are we friends again?” Her voice breaks.

Fork.

Michael blinks, reeling a little.

“You’re asking me? Seriously?” He asks her, moving around to his desk; “…Since when was that my decision to make?”

That was…a fair point.

She had been the one who kicked off the last private conversation they had together. She had been the one to march into his office in the Bad Place HQ and kick the pile of pizza boxes aside before slamming her palms down on the desk.

_“You think I don’t care?!”_

_Michael’s chair had almost rolled back into the wall; “I’m sorry?!”_

_“How forking dare you, man?! What right did you have to say any of that shirt to Chidi!” She yells at him, “Confident or not, you know he still can’t keep a secret or lie to me so, yeah, he told me all about your little confession to him before I walked in!”_

_“Oh, Eleanor, I-.”_

_“No, shut up! You are gonna listen to me and keep your own damn food hole zipped for once! Because you do not get to drop a bomb on my boyfriend, your own friend for that matter, on him after he’s done so much for us and expect nothing to happen! Fuck,” The extent of her rage is released without the filter in HQ; “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!”_

_He hadn’t answered. He seemed to freeze up when finally confronted in the most disastrous way this all could have come out. If he’s expecting sympathy then tough shit, Eleanor thinks as she steps back from the desk._

_“Nothing to say for yourself?! Wow, of all the things to finally shut you up!” She laughs, cruelly, unable to process her thoughts concisely with all the screaming in her head; “You know what’s the saddest part of all this, man? You don’t love me. Not really. I think you’re just in love with some twisted idea you made up of me in your head. But the truth is you don’t even know who I am. You think you know me because you read my file? That’s not me. I’m so much more than that fucking file!”_

_Michael looks up at her, aghast and horrified it seemed by the suggestion. Standing up, he reaches out only for Eleanor to slap his hand back._

_“Don’t even think about it, man! And don’t go around saying you know me better than anybody else, that you know everything about me, don’t think I need you defending me from my own boyfriend. You have no right to do that! Not when you don’t even know the real me.”_

_“I never meant to do that, it just slipped out-.” He attempts to interject, a little too meekly._

_“I thought you were my best friend…”_

_Michael stares at her when her voice starts to crack. His heartbroken face is blurred by the tears that have been forming in her eyes since she shoved his door open._

_“But it seems that, to you, I’m still that ‘selfish monster’ you met years ago.” Eleanor sniffs, shaking her head with revulsion and hurt; “And those are your words, man. Is that the Eleanor you want? Is that the one you wished you could keep, all for yourself, in your precious, little neighbourhood? Yeah, I got that fifth clue. I just didn’t want the others to know you didn’t give a crap about them. If that’s the one you ‘love’, sorry to break it to you, dude, but that girl doesn’t exist anymore.”_

_And it’s not as if she doesn’t often think it would be easier to go back to that. Back to being the girl who could count the ones she cared about on one hand while still having digits to spare. Back to everything being easy and straightforward, not having the weight of saving the Universe on her shoulders. Just a dead girl having fun with her somewhat amoral demon pal helping to distract her from the guy she was smitten with who didn’t look at her the way she often wish he did, the way she saw him do in that stupid tape._

_That’s what hurts the most. The thought that if Michael had just said something, offered her the love and affection he obviously held for her, before Chidi had kissed her or danced with her when it all came to an end…Maybe things would have been different. And that thought is both wonderful and awful because, fork it, she happens to be deeply and irrevocably in love with the one who did kiss her._

_How on Earth or Hell or anywhere is she supposed to reconcile how to feel about that?!_

_“Y’know what happened to that Eleanor you love so much, Michael?” She seethes at him; “You killed her, the moment you sent me down to Earth without a fucking warning! Without even a goodbye. Not to you, not to anyone. You dismissed me, you didn’t even think of asking us what we wanted. You didn’t think that maybe I didn’t want to forget you. I didn’t wanna forget what we had… And then you waltzed back into my life, remembering all the things I didn’t, and thought yourself entitled to administrate those memories as if they were yours and not mine. How could I see you, when you didn’t even think yourself enough to be remembered? But c'mon, keep saying I’m the one who doesn’t care!”_

_She turned on her heel and stomped towards the open door._

Every day. Every day she’s gone to sleep hating herself for saying those words, more than once crying into her pillow after she was certain Chidi was asleep. Every time she would say to herself, tomorrow. Tomorrow she’ll go see him. Tomorrow she’ll take it all back.

And then she would wake up to the harsh light of day and a resurgence of the resentment that had kickstarted those harsh words in the first place.

“Have you just been waiting for me to forgive you for all this time?” She asks.

Michael laughs.

Eleanor frowns. She didn’t expect that reaction. It’s not the delighted, wicked giggle of his demon self. It’s also not the same childlike chuckle that was music to her ears whenever something amused him. The laugh is somewhere in between, with an incredulous shake of his head.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing…” He waves off; “I…Y’know what? If we’re gonna do this…Let me show you something first.”

He snaps his fingers.

A circular hole opens in the ceiling above them. Eleanor cranes her neck to look up, seeing only darkness above.

“Are you sending me to the IHOP?” She asks, feeling a little worried, even if she doesn’t believe he would go that far to banish her as revenge for ghosting him.

He flashes a smirk that makes her flash back to the start of their friendship. To when the others were, quite rightly, too weary to sit close to their new study buddy. And it was as if he was Eleanor’s private demon.

He snaps his fingers again and the floor at their feet suddenly elevates them upward into the hole.

Eleanor jolts forward, one hand instinctively reaching out to hold onto Michael’s sleeve. There’s a slightly sickening feeling of vertigo, her stomach leaving her along with the office they had been standing in, and she regrets having binged on all those chicken wings at the party.

It only lasts a few seconds before they rise up and outside, into the open air with the night sky above.

Eleanor glances around to find that they’re standing on the rooftop of Michael’s office building, with a couple of sofas and tables laid out. The view that immediately greets her is even higher than what she and Chidi were blessed with outside their balcony, looking out onto all the rolling hills, lakes and mountains as far as the eye could see. Behind her she hears the sound of rolling waves that wash over her with nostalgia. She turns and sees a beach so similar to the one back in Michael’s original neighbourhood, accessible by a set of steps leading down to the sands below. Definitely a fitting and beautiful way for the new God to look out over his reformed Heaven.

“Holy shirt, bud…It’s…gorgeous.” She sighs, wondering if the sight of this place will never stop making her want to tear up with pure awe. In a way it looks so similar to places she’s seen on Earth and yet there’s a peaceful ambience and almost ethereal glow to all of their surroundings, constantly assuring her that this is the real deal. The real Good Place.

“Hmm…Tahani’s ceiling is taller than mine, obviously, but…I didn’t wanna be too high off the ground. Once you’ve experienced living at six thousand feet above everything else, you wanna be closer, not beyond everyone’s reach.” He says, hands in his pockets.

Eleanor looks at him as Michael as he stares out at the ocean. She’s hit with the memory of his confession of what he really is…No, what he _was_ , before he was given that suit. She still regretted how she had reacted that night, what with everything going on, she hadn’t been the most supportive friend to put it lightly. But she’d done everything she could to reassure him afterwards. It didn’t matter to her what tentacles or acidic juice he was containing beneath that silver fox anymore than the freaky bones and blood beneath her own hot bod.

“I know I teased you before with the whole Hufflepuff thing but…this suits you.” She smiles, looking down at the medal around his neck, her eyes then travelling upward to notice; “…No bow-tie?”

He fiddles with his open collar.

“Y’know I never felt like I really got them to work. They were just kinda part of my whole Architect get-up…But now, like you said, it’s time to chilled-axe.”

“Chillax, man.” She corrects, wondering if he’s forking with her, considering his whole spin on the word before; “It’s good to see you let loose…You even look…I dunno, younger, somehow.”

“Really? I haven’t had Janet adjust the age of my suit…Though it is something I could look into-.”

“No, I mean…You just look ‘well’, I guess. I dunno, it’s weird, I’m not sure what I’m trying to say.” She looks at her feet.

“Oh…You mean, you expected me to look all sad and mopey after missing you for so long?”

That cuts deep. But she’s not going to try and deny it.

“Well, I’ve had enough sleepless nights thinking over it….Is it so wrong of me to think you were going through the same?” Yes, yes it is, Eleanor, damn it.

Michael takes a breath and waves his hand, summoning a couple of margaritas onto the small round table.

“I think I’ve had enough alcohol for one night, man, I don’t wanna risk getting stupid.” She had enough in her system to find the courage to knock. That’s as far as she wants the booze to boost her up.

“They’re non-alcoholic unless you will it otherwise, remember.”

Right. Those old rules.

“That’s not a total reassurance. I can’t promise my subconscious will behave herself.” Whatever, Eleanor relents, reaching out to pick up one of the glasses and takes a sip; “Mmm…oh man, that even puts those milkshakes to shame…”

Michael looks as though he feels the need to take a big swig of his glass before carrying on the conversation.

“Tahani’s been making sure I have enough spa treatments with her after every meeting with Shawn or the Judge.” He explains; “I’ve had more than enough talks about everything with Janet and Chidi…even quite a few with Jason. I’m not going to pretend those first couple of years after it became clear you weren’t going to talk to me anymore were easy…They sucked, if I’m honest, more than anything…”

She feels the guilt try to drag her down. Good. Give it to her, everything he’s got. It’s what she’s been preparing to hear.

“But it was a long time ago.”

Eleanor looks up. She studies the calm look on his face, the hint of a sad but accepting smile. Somehow it reverts the sting of guilt back to that awful numbness.

“…You’re not mad at me?”

He blinks; “I was never mad at you, dummy. I was the one who forked up, remember, I was the one who told your boyfriend off, as if I had any right to-.”

“I shut you out.” Eleanor states, aloud, harshly; “I shut you out…Not because of anything you yelled at Chidi for…Because of what you confessed. Because…” she takes a breath; “Because of what you felt about me and I…”

He stares back at her.

_She’s opening the door when he feels a sudden surge of confidence that refused to show its ugly face until now._

_In a heartbeat, Michael moves to place himself between Eleanor and the door, looking down at her._

_She winces slightly before setting her jaw and scowling up at him._

_“Get the fork out of my way, man.” Eleanor hisses at him._

_“No…Not yet.” He meets her tone in a quiet, dangerously low voice; “If this is gonna be the last conversation we have then you may as well hear the whole truth.”_

_“I don’t give a cra-.”_

_“You think that version of you was the only one of you I fell in love with?” He asks her, spilling it out like rose petals choking his fake lungs; “You’re wrong. I was falling in love with you when you were that ‘selfish monster’, three hundred years ago, but - big surprise - I couldn’t handle it all that well because I’d never been in love in the ten billion years I’ve existed. I loved you when I accepted you would always change, always get better, and then when you were willing to help a demon like me try to get better? It might have taken me until I was standing at that portal, but I knew it then, how I felt. But do you really think learning you didn’t return my feelings was enough for me to stop loving you? Fork….I wish it was. If anything, it just made me fall even harder, because I had no right to expect you to settle for me when you have someone like Chidi there in front of you. I saw how happy you two were and nothing meant more than ensuring that happiness would be yours, even if it meant you guys needing to go the long way round again, it would be worth it!”_

_Eleanor closes her eyes. She could try to push him out of the way. She could call for Janet to free her if she wanted. Instead, she stands there. She lets him continue, her body tense and rigid._

_He takes a deep breath._

_“I loved you when you didn’t remember me and were back to the person you were before. I loved you when all I could do was watch you from afar and keep you safe while trying not to mess it up again. I loved you when you were right beside me and had no memories of how close we used to be. I loved you when you were there to take the role I was too damn weak for. I loved you when everyone else was doubting you and you doubted yourself, but of course you didn’t hear me defend you then. I loved you when you broke down over torturing your ex because it shows just how loving you truly are that you couldn’t bring yourself to really hurt him. I even loved you when you said you didn’t trust me and allowed me to blow myself up because all I could see was your courage and passion and how determined you were to see this mission through, no matter the cost. And when Chidi woke up and you only had eyes from him until this moment you’ve looked at me since we finished - when you’re angry at me, go figure - I still was willing to love you from afar.”_

_Her face screws up as she fights back the tears. He hesitates, conflicted on whether to continue, part of him aware that he’s torturing her again, in a fresh way that never once occurred to him back in the reboots. That’s not his intention. Or maybe it is. A problem shared and all that. Why should he be forced to keep it in? Look at what Janet holding her true feelings in did for her. Look at the woman before him who’s sense of self almost shattered when she had to question the nature of the love she thought would only be felt on her end._

_Is it so wrong for him to say the words aloud too? Isn’t it a good thing to tell the truth?_

_No more lies. That was the promise. A secret kept hidden is the same as a lie, right? Well, here it is. Exposed and raw, for all to see and prod as they wish._

_Michael takes a breath, daring to move his hand up, fingers hovering near her forehead, desperate to stroke her hair. To be able to offer some form of affection and comfort._

_This isn’t supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to hurt, right? So why the fork is it such a bitch?_

_“I don’t resent you. I don’t blame you.” He whispers, softer now, as his voice starts to weaken from exhaustion; “Fuck, do you think I’m such a selfish ass that I’m entitled for you to feel the same way as me? Especially given how we started?! I don’t know what you were listening to just now but not once did I call you selfish and not once did I say anything against your character, merely that I was accepting my place, no matter how much it hurt! Because you know it hurts, you’ve been where I am! You were just lucky enough to have the one you love feel the same way in the end!”_

_Because she deserves it. Because she is wholly worthy of that love. All the love in the Universe and more, everything she was cruelly denied for most of her life on Earth._

_“But sure, lash out at me. Tell yourself that I don’t love you, that I’m just one of those creepy stalker dudes on those terrible Netflix dramas where the guy only loves an image and not the real person, if that’s how you’d rather see me! The reason I never wanted you to know how I felt when you were in love with someone else was how hard it would be for you, as it clearly is, given how pissed you are at me. If it makes it easier for you if it isn’t real, then go with that! Be angry with me for defending you to Chidi, never mind the fact I apologised about that….I know it’s not enough. This is determinism all over again; so much easier for you to make up an excuse rather than for it to be true. If you need me to be the bad guy, if you wanna hate me for things out of my control like how abrupt you were sent down to Earth, fine…”_

_Michael dares to touch her this time. He reaches to carefully place his fingers around her lower arm, feeling the race of her pulse, matching the sound he could already hear being so close to her._

_A part of him knows that this is it. He won’t be this close to her again, not for a very long time._

_Maybe not ever._

_“Just know that it won’t change a thing. I’m still right here. Even if you ask me to go to the farthest corner of the Universe, if you wanna banish me to the IHOP and never see you again, I’ll go…” He squeezes her wrist, ever so slightly; “But I’ll still be there when you need me. And I’ll still love you.”_

_He lets go and steps aside, returning to his desk._

_He doesn’t know what he’s expecting. For her to be swooning at his declaration? No, he’s not that much of an idiot. He wants her to laugh it off. He wants her to make a joke, break the ice, and just say that it’s all good and it won’t change a thing. They can go back to normal and so what if she and her boyfriend know that he’s deeply in love with her, he knows his place, and it’s fine, it’s better than fine, he just wants them to be happy and they know that and-._

_“Fuck you.”_

_Michael goes cold. That’s how it is._

_The door slams and she’s gone._

He turns away, hearing the echo of those two quiet and bitter words repeat again in his head. It had been years since they had stopped haunting him as they had in those first few months afterwards.

“You told me how much you loved me and I…told you to fuck off because…” Eleanor throws her hands up; “Because you were right! I had no idea how to handle that and the only thing I could think to do was…Push you out. I was so forking angry with you for keeping all of that to yourself and then telling me when I had just got my god damn boyfriend back in my life and I was happy and…”

She rubs at her face. Stupid tears are starting up again against her will.

“When should I have said it?” Michael asks, maybe rhetorical as he doesn’t wait for a response; “It wasn’t planned, y’know. I had no idea Chidi was going to come visit me that afternoon and when he joked about leaving you again, I…I couldn’t stop myself. Don’t think I didn’t hate myself for a long time after that. Don’t think I didn’t wish-.”

“That’s just it. It wasn’t your fault.” Eleanor shakes her head; “I was so angry at you for so long…Even though Chidi kept defending you, I didn’t wanna listen, I just kept wondering if you were punishing me for something by making me feel bad, or torn between you two…And then I realised what a forking idiot I was for thinking you would do that, for not trusting you again. But by then…it had been so long.”

And there was always so much to do. Different demons to retrain. Sectors of the Bad Place they all needed to visit and help to reform with the different types of people who were sent there. It was mostly her and Chidi as their own team, occasionally joined by Jason or Tahani, while Janet stuck with Michael, sometimes helped by one of the others. There never seemed to be time to resolve their drama with humanities salvation at the forefront of their day-to-day routine.

It wasn’t until there would be the odd crossroads, where she’d bump into Michael and they would talk shop, mostly between himself and Chidi while she stayed silent and avoided eye contact, that she would remember they were no longer friends. And the pain would be just as sharp every time.

Sometimes she wondered if a new battle had been silently agreed between them of which one was going to be the first to make peace.

But deep down, Eleanor knew in her heart, she had been the one to close the door. Michael wasn’t going to outstep any boundary by trying to force it open again. The ball was in her court. Or key, whatever metaphor she wants to go with.

She moves to the edge of the porch and takes a seat on the edge, her legs dangling over the side.

“I’m a coward.”

Michael scoffs at that.

“Yeah, right.” He moves to sit beside her, about six feet between them. Enough to fit another one of him. Enough for that damn tension to remain.

“C’mon, it’s true. I mean…demons, immortal judges, flying pancake dimensions, drunken sleezes in bars, that’s nothing I can’t handle.” Eleanor sighs; “But dealing with my feelings? Having the guts to sort this crab out so I don’t end up hurting the ones I care about? That’s still a work in progress….Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t belong here. I mean, you did say that the Judge technically gave us a short-cut for fixing the system…Maybe there’s still a few more tests I need to take.”

“You belong here.” Michael states, firmly, “That’s the end of it.”

“And you get to decide that?”

“Yeah. I’m in charge now. Remember, I can do whatever I want?” he quotes her with a slight smile; “And I say you belong here so stop that.”

Eleanor sniffs again, biting her lip; “But I’m not…good. Not completely.”

“No, but that’s not the point, is it, remember? You became the best version of yourself, time and time again, Eleanor,” Michael explains to her softly, “And this place wouldn’t allow for free will if it didn’t allow that, sometimes, even humans at their best are gonna fork up now and then…so long as they keep trying to be better.”

“Right…Well, that’s why I’m here.” She nods, “I’m…I’m trying to be better than the ashhole I was to you that Bearimy ago.”

She watches him nod, looking away again, out towards the ocean.

“…If it’s not too late?”

Please. Please say it’s not too late.

Michael closes his eyes; “It’s never too late to get better, you know that as well as I do.”

“I meant for us.”

She moves her hand over to be on top of his. The first time they’ve touched in…too long. Fork, how she missed that skin of his, just a little rough but so warm, probably due to the constant fire of his true form.

Her mind flashes back to one time when she had gone back into the office while he was coming out and they kept moving aside to bump into each other until he got fed up and picked her up by the waist to move her out of the way. Hot damn, he had lifted her as if she weighed nothing to him. Even her jacked soul mate gave a slight groan whenever he tried to raise her up.

When Michael doesn’t pull away, she links their fingers together. She’s not letting him go again. Not easily. Not until she’s said her piece.

“I know I said that I was okay but I’m not.” She tells him, focusing on his eyes, even when they don’t meet hers; “I miss you. I need you. I need you to be my friend. I need…I need to know if you still love me, whatever that means, because I’ll take it. I’ll take it and I won’t be a forking ashhole and run from it again, because I need to tell you what I should have done back then. That I love you.”

He does look at her now. Solemn, a hint of the sadness he’s held in silence and solitude, as she did when Chidi and the others weren’t watching her intently.

At least he doesn’t look too hopeful…

“And no, it’s not the same as what I have with Chidi,” She says, and he doesn’t look surprised or hurt; “And I’m sorry if I ever gave you hope of that…But it’s not less, dude. It was never, ever less.”

She wishes she could take back all the little things she might have done to make him think that but it’s too late now. All she can try to do is make sure he knows, clear as the stars hanging above them, how she really feels. How forking important he is to her.

Michael looks down at their hands.

“…Is that why you stayed away? Because you thought I needed you to feel the same way?” He asks, quietly.

Not exactly. But it added to the awkwardness, knowing that he was feeling those things for her and how much they hurt because she had lived through them herself. To be the cause of that pain for someone she cared about so much, who in another life she might have been able to return what he desired…but couldn’t in this one. She told herself, on many days, that it was kinder to stay away from him.

He would get over her (no, of course he wouldn’t, no one has ever got over her) but it would get easier. Wouldn’t it? Has it?

“Eleanor. When I said I loved you…It wasn’t like…I wanted to possess you or keep you for myself or…whatever of those aggressive, primal urges you humans associated with falling in love.”

“Still got that ‘pompous superior being’ attitude going, I respect that.” She laughs through the last few tears on her face.

“Maybe it was like that at the start, when I was still kinda evil and…still thought of you all as my toys or pets to mess with…and you were my favorite. That was obvious.” He says with a twinkle in his eye; “But when you started to be the one to really help me…To care about me for the first time…suddenly I felt like the toy, or something small and lost looking up at you. I saw the real you and I knew…That I was yours. Whether it was your friend, your classmate, your partner in crime, or…something more…it never mattered to me.” He sighs, “Just so long as I got to be with you, and the others…To see you happy. Yes, I envy Chidi for getting to be closer to you than I am but…I am grateful to him for making you happy like I wish I could…And I don’t need you to want to be with me for my love to be real…I kinda feel like I’ve done this before.”

“You did, bud.” Eleanor manages a laugh, daring to sidle a bit closer; “I’ve been replaying that speech of yours in my head, over and over…And I wish I was good with the words as you and Chidi are to let you know what you mean to me back and how much I care about you…But y’know I’m better at the showing thing than the saying.”

She looks out to the navy waves continuing to roll in before them, as oddly calming as they used to look as those nights they would stay out shooting the shirt, textbooks left forgotten in the sand as they talked about all sorts until the sun would creep up.

“Chidi pointed out…The Good Place is all about time. Time with the people you love. As much as you want.” She says, aloud, moving another inch closer; “I hope it’s enough time for us to fix this mess of a friendship of ours. Because this sucks. I mean…The other week I saw you walking arm-in-arm with Tahani outside Shawn’s office and you were both laughing about something and…If she’s your new favorite now, I wouldn’t blame you, but…”

“Tahani’s been a great friend. So has Chidi. And Jason.” He confesses, still staying rather still, to the point that Eleanor wonders if he’s okay with her coming closer; “I used to be so scared of losing you…because I thought it meant losing everything I had gained since changing sides. All you had to do was say you didn’t trust me and it was enough for me to turn a gun on myself.”

Fork, she will never forgive herself for that night.

“But it turns out…we’ve both got some pretty great friends. Friends who constantly reassured me that they cared about me, that were there for me and…In a way…You putting that wall between us was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Oh.

What? He doesn’t mean that…He can’t. Does he?

“It made me appreciate the others. They all had their own wisdom to share and…Well. It’s not Tahani’s spa trips that have made me feel this much better. It was all of them. And even some old demon friends who I never really thought of as ‘friends’ before…” Michael tells her, looking away again, “…I did a lot of thinking and…I came to realise that…I’m more than just my love for you, Shellstrop.”

“That’s…great, bud. I mean it. Of course, you’re more than just…You’re the best and sweetest demon there ever was. And now you’re the best leader Heaven has ever had, I mean…You’re awesome, Michael. It’s about time you realised that!”

There’s a flush of pink to his cheeks. She’s still able to make the big old demon blush. That’s something.

“Yeah…Yeah, I guess I am.”

That worrisome knot still hangs in her gut.

“But…what does that mean for us? Can we…go back to how we were?” She has to ask. She has to know.

Michael finally shuffles a little closer.

He places his other hand over hers, giving it the smallest squeeze.

“I don’t think we can.”

Fork.

Forking fork, she should have known. Eleanor tugs her knees up to her chest, her other arm around them. She contemplates falling off the edge and wishing for the sand to swallow her whole.

Surprisingly, Michael doesn’t let go of her hand.

“We’re not the same people we used to be, are we. I’ve changed…You’ve changed. Both of us, for the better.” He says, softly; “I see you and Chidi together. I’ve been watching you….Not in the creepy, Mindy way, just…whenever we’ve all been together. You two, you just…fit. You’re perfect together.”

She shakes her head; “Don’t be fooled, man. Sure…we’re in a really good place, right now, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t had the odd fight over the last however many years. We disagreed on how to handle things, he got on my case about being too hard on you, I got on his case for hogging the covers….Trust me, we’re not happily ever after.”

“Yes. You are. Because after all that crab, you’re still together, here. Where you should be.” Michael tells her; “If those romantic comedies I watched with Tahani taught me anything, it’s that true love is working past all those silly arguments and staying together for what matters. And if all else fails, chase them to the airport and declare your love.”

Always a classic.

Eleanor sniffs, wiping her cheek for another tear she wasn’t aware she had shed; “What I mean is…So many forking times I’ve lost my shirt with him and…all I wanted to do was run to my best friend to make me feel better. And I couldn’t.”

“Why not? Was Tahani busy?”

“No, you, idiot!” Eleanor chastises; “I mean…Tahani’s my different sort of best friend, the human girl-friend sort I shamelessly objectify but you…You _know_ me, you…believe in me when Tahani and the others didn’t…and you were there for me when even the man I truly loved was gone. And it…fork, it’s tearing me up right now knowing that’s gone for good…and it’s all my fault!” The tears start to fall faster, a dam holding back aeons of emotions crumbling away; “I should be happy that you got over me and instead I’m such a selfish ash that I’m crying because I’ve lost you…”

“Hey! Hey, come here.”

Michael gives her a tug, bringing his other arm around her shoulders. Eleanor hurls all caution down the trash and throws herself against him, swinging her legs over his lap and clinging to him like a koala. Well, he is a god damn tree, so she might as well. She buries her face in his chest as her eyes leak shamelessly. There’s a brief tenseness to his posture before he releases a breath and then, in a sudden switch, his arms are tight around her, fingers gliding through her hair. Her own paw at his shirt, fingers stroking up to appreciate the lack of a bow-tie and the briefest feel of his skin.

When was the last time they hugged? That moment in the Judge’s chambers when she told them that they won? How had she managed for so long to stay away from these arms?

Michael shushes her, gently, “You won’t ever lose me, Eleanor. I mean…I built the only door out of here purely for humans, so if anyone is gonna lose anyone then I’m gonna be the one left here after you all leave.”

She shakes her head, fingers grabbing at his jacket.

“There’s different ways to lose the ones you love…If you don’t wanna be my friend again then-.”

“I never said that.” Michael says.

Eleanor pulls back a bit to look at him, seeing the shine of tears behind his glasses. He smiles and reaches up to hold her face, rubbing away the remains of her tears with his thumbs.

“Silly human. Just ‘cause we can’t go back to who we were…It doesn’t mean we can’t start again.” He tells her, “We’ll still be friends. It will…just be different. I dunno if we’ll be as close as we were or not but…I don’t wanna lose you before you’re ready to go through that door either.”

Eleanor sobs, “You won’t…No forking way..” She reaches to touch his face as well; “I wanna get to know this new confident Michael. Because I bet he’s hot as not-Hell.”

Her demon laughs back, leaning forward to plant a lingering kiss on her forehead.

She closes her eyes and takes in the feel of those lips. The warmth and affection, the promise of forever. Her heart swells with a love that has no label. No definition. Has this what she’s been ‘protecting’ herself from facing up to all this time? Did she sacrifice this just so things wouldn’t be awkward for her and the boyfriend who already told her he was okay with it? Fork. She’s an dumbash. How did she ever save humanity?

Eleanor holds onto his arm and continues to lean into him, admiring his medal again with pride. They did it together as a team. The best rulers of any fake Heaven ever.

“I’m so sorry, dude.” Even if something positive came out of it, she can’t stop wishing things had been different; “We lost so much time…”

“It’s okay…I’m sorry too.” He whispers, his cheek against her hair; “We have all the time in the Universe now…In fact, Chidi mentioned something about taking us all on a trip tomorrow?”

Eleanor nods; “Yeah…He’s gonna give us all a proper tour of Athens, show us where all Plato and the rest all taught, creating all those Chidi-prototypes. I bet you know all that stuff anyway.”

“I do. But I’m still excited. And I promise to keep my mouth shut and try not to correct him on everything he will no doubt get wrong.”

Eleanor smiles and squeezes his arm again; “Good demon buddy.”

The best.

They stay like that, as close as can be, with so many more words and feelings left to explore, along with a new type of friendship to form, laying ahead of them. She feels tired and yet fights the urge to sleep, wanting to relish in this reunion for as long as she wants, wondering if she can make it last until she’s ready to walk through the green door and climb back into bed next to Chidi as if no time had passed. What is Heaven if she can’t hug the fork out of her cake and have sex with it too?

_Wow, way to butcher that expression with a machete, Eleanor._

“I gotta know one thing, bud. It’s pretty important…” She asks him, seriously.

He pauses, hesitant.

“W-what is it?”

She takes a deep breath.

“Does this new Michael still love karaoke?”

The smile that stretches across his face is all the answer she needs, even before he snaps his fingers to reveal the microphone and video-screen stand in the corner of the roof.

“What do you think was the first thing I built?”

Eleanor breaks out a laugh as she gets off his lap and they stand together, fingers still entwined, before walking over, a second wind of energy coming to her. Karaoke had been the foundation of their friendship, oh so long ago, it’s only right it helps them start all over, a clean slate.

"I know you also wanna ask me something else." He whispers to her.

"...What's that?"

He gives her a nudge; "If you're still my favorite."

Eleanor lets out a sigh as they move up to the podium and she grabs her mic.

"It's fine, bud. I'm no longer that selfish monster and I'm glad you don't have me on a pedestal, so it's really not important-."

"You are, by the way."

"Oh, thank God!" She beams with relief, "I mean...Thank You." Same thing, more or less.

She’ll let him pick whatever is to be the first new song to kickstart this final journey they're about to take together.


End file.
